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11 IRRELEVANT FACTS ABOUT THE OSCARS

This coming Sunday, the 86th Academy Awards ceremony will take place at the Dolby Theatre in Hollywood, California, and we can’t wait to have the laugh of the year with all those vain celebrities who will walk down the red carpet like war heroes and pose like clowns for the cameras. Some of them will get awarded and shed tears out of happiness, while others will hold their tears back until they return home empty-handed. The ones with the most nerve will shamelessly send messages of support and agony to all the poor and desperate of this world, when in reality only the dresses they wear and the after-parties cost more than the annual state budget of most African countries combined. So we are “spitting” out eleven irrelevant facts about this overrated and overpriced awards ceremony, hoping to get our fifteen minutes of fame, too.

11. MOST ‘’THANK YOU’’s IN AN OSCAR ACCEPTANCE SPEECH


Gwyneth Paltrow won the Oscar for Best Actress in a Leading Role for Shakespeare in Love back in 1999 and she made sure to show everybody how grateful she was for winning. During her short speech she said “thank you” a total of twenty-three times.

Why it’s irrelevant really:
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. . . . Ermm, you get the point, right? Thank you!


10. MOST AWARDS WON BY A FILM


This “prestigious” honor is shared by three films: Ben-Hur (1959), Titanic (1997), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003). These three films combined received a total of thirty-three Oscars = eleven each.

Why it’s irrelevant really:
We have nothing against any of these films and actually we love Charlton Heston, Leonardo Di Caprio, and The Lord of the Rings as a whole, but if any of you think that these films are more influential or had a greater impact than films such as Blade Runner and Taxi Driver, each of which didn’t win a single Oscar, then you should be forced to watch Die Hard–style action movies for the rest of your life as punishment.


9. LONGEST SPEECH BY A WINNER IN HISTORY
The longest speech in the history of the Academy Awards belongs to Greer Garson, who won the Oscar for Best Actress in 1943 for her role in Mrs. Miniver. Garson was a British actress and one of MGM’s brightest stars during the 1940s. She went on to receive a total of seven Oscar nominations, including a record (tied with Bette Davis) five consecutive nominations (1942–1946). She’s also one of the very few actresses in history who appeared on the cover of Time magazine back in December 1943.
When she finally won the Oscar she rattled on for nearly seven minutes putting almost everybody to sleep. After her victory she would be nominated on four more occasions, but never won again. We wonder why . . .

Why it’s irrelevant really:
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!


8. MOST AWARDS FOR DIRECTING


John Ford won a record four Oscars for directing and some of his most famous movies are Stagecoach, The Searchers, and The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.

Why it’s irrelevant really:
All due respect to the record holder, but I am afraid nobody knows or remembers his movies really. When most people think of influential directors they usually think of the likes of Martin Scorsese, Pedro Almodovar, Alfred Hitchcock, Coppola, Akira Kurosawa, Ingmar Bergman, Ridley Scott, Elia Kazan, and Andrei Tarkovsky for the more cinéfil fans. The only Ford I can think of is Henry right now. Sorry John!


7. THE MOST NOMINATED CHARACTER


The most nominated character is Henry VIII of England. Three different actors: Charles Laughton, Robert Shaw, and Richard Burton have earned nominations for playing the king. Only Charles Laughton won, by the way.

Why it’s irrelevant really:
Seriously, who cares? Only Richard Burton matters from this short list anyway and the Academy ripped him off a total of seven times.


6. MOST ACADEMY AWARD NOMINATIONS WITHOUT A WIN


The biggest loser in history is Peter O’Toole. The Academy nominated him a total of eight times (one more than Richard Burton) and never gave him the trophy.

Why it’s irrelevant really:
Who gives a crap really? We will all remember him for the role he’s most famous for—as Lawrence of Arabia, and he’s a way more memorable actor than the vast majority of winners in history. What’s the name of the woman who won eight Oscars for Best Costume Design again?


5. FIRST PERSON TO TURN DOWN AN OSCAR


The “honor” goes to some dude named Dudley Nichols, who refused a Best Screenwriter award for The Informers (1935) due to a union dispute at the time.

Why it’s irrelevant really:
It’s irrelevant only for one reason: if you take a poll about the specific topic, we’re 99 percent sure that 99 out of 100 people will tell you about Marlon Brando declining the Academy Award for Best Actor for his career-reviving performance in The Godfather, not about Nichols. Sorry Dudley, you may have been the first but no one knows about you, mate.


4. OSCAR AND FETISHES


Apparently John Lasseter, an American animator, film director, screenwriter, and producer dresses his Academy Awards in Barbie clothes. He has won two, for Animated Short Film (Tin Toy) and a Special Achievement Award (Toy Story), which means two Oscar statuettes have a Barbie dress on right now.

Why it’s irrelevant really:
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS DUDE?


3. OSCAR AND FETISHES #2


Emma Thompson, a two-time winner for Howards End and Sense and Sensibility, has her Oscar sitting in the bathroom of her London home. According to her, “My bathroom’s full of my most precious possessions. . . .
So it’s not as if I’m being rude. It’s an important place to me. And the downstairs loo is sort of the place that all your guests use. And it’s nice for them to have a go, and pick them up.”

Why it’s irrelevant really:
We really like Emma as an actress and we think she has a lot more to offer in the film industry, but really, why did we need to know any of this? Anyway, let’s hope she washes her Oscars often and sprays them with some deodorant, too. Poor little golden men, we don’t even want to imagine what kind of odors you have to smell.


2. THE COUNTRY WITH THE MOST OSCARS FOR BEST FOREIGN-LANGUAGE FILM


Italy has a total of thirteen victories and France is a close second with twelve. Bronze medal goes to Spain with four victories and nineteen total nominations. The biggest loser in this category is Israel with ten nominations and no victory whatsoever, while Poland follows with nine.

Why it’s irrelevant really:
Sometimes we wonder why this category is even included in the show, when in reality most Americans don’t care and are not willing to watch a film they will have to read subtitles to understand.

We all know by now that the Oscars is nothing but an American thing, with strong Anglo-Saxon elements from the UK and Australia. I mean a stupid film like American Pie has probably made more $$$ in the American box office than all the awarded foreign-language films combined. Okay, we might be exaggerating a bit because we really love foreign films, but most Americans unfortunately don’t.


1. DIRECTING IS A WHITE MAN’S JOB


I recently read an article somewhere in which some journalist was bitching about how this year is going to be the 82nd time a woman won’t be nominated for this specific award. The fact that there wasn’t a worthy film directed by a woman apparently wasn’t an issue at all.

Also in the same article the same dude complained how every winning director in the show’s history has been a white male, except last year’s winner when Ang Lee won the award for Life of Pi.

Why it’s irrelevant really:
The NBA being almost 80 percent black while African-Americans hardly constitute more than 13–14 percent of the total American population isn’t an issue. Asians dominating mathematic competitions or table tennis at the Olympics isn’t an issue. A lack of diversity isn’t noticed in any of these cases, because it’s all about talent and race should never be an issue.

Unfortunately, the same “open-minded, progressive people” can’t say the same thing about ice hockey, swimming, NASCAR, the Winter Olympics, or directing, for example, because you see the white man winning is “evil” and should stop ASAP in the name of diversity; screw talent or the best guy winning if it’s a white guy.

What’s up with all these double standards, folks? Is it a sin or a crime to be a white male nowadays? Just wondering.

Written by Theodoros II for TCMag

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